Hi All - With having arrived at the One Year Anniversary of Jas’ passing, I have recently felt prompted to write a final post to honor him and his life, as well as share some updates from this past year.It’s wild to think that we started this blog over 15 years ago, when the cancer journeys first began. Taylor was 2 yrs old. We were facing the reality of a very low survival rate from cancer #2 (esophageal), a cancer that was no stranger to the Wiles’ side unfortunately. We had recently been challenged with the question of how to leave a legacy behind for our kids in showing them how God worked in and through the hard times of our lives. So the blog was initially created to be a journal for Taylor to look back on when she was older. A way to be reminded of God’s faithfulness through all of the hard trials we faced, since she was so young and most likely wouldn’t remember the details from so early on in her life. From there, this blog pivoted to a communication tool to keep everyone updated as the trials continued over the years. It’s crazy to see that over 100K visits have been made to the blog over the years. Now to be wrapping it all up with a final post feels very emotional, yet a necessary part of my healing. And going back to the original intent of this blog, this is going to be written to my kids as the primary audience to look back at years from now and for them to hopefully share with the generations to come. While this will be my last post, know that this site will still stay up to allow others to share and revisit, as I have been told it has been used to help others when facing their own cancer journeys or even just strengthen their own faith as they see how God has worked through our story.
As I was reflecting on what may be helpful as we cross this 1 year anniversary mile marker, the idea of documenting some of my favorite memories of Jas came to mind. So I will include some of my favorites in hopes that they will bring a smile to your face and help in your healing process also. Here is the link: Memories of Jason
My thoughts are that it would be really special if this memory page expanded as others contributed some of their favorites as well. So if you would like to add any memories to the list, please either text me at 808-634-5131 or email me at meganwiles7@gmail.com so I can add on my end for us all to see in this evolving document. And if you prefer to just keep the memory to the kids and I, please do still send so I can share with just them. I have included below what I view as the most impactful memory I have of him so it doesn’t go unnoticed, as I know this was the most important message Jas desired to convey to everyone as well.
My Most Impactful Memory of Jas: Jas made the most important decision of his life to follow Jesus while in Graduate school. Over the years he had wrestled with some things as a scientist that took some time to work through before he was ready to hand over the reins to the Lord and let Him be the leader of his life. And can I just tell you, I’ve been AMAZED with how much he grew in his Faith and in his relationship with the Lord over the years and how it has impacted our family and so many others. It’s been beautiful to observe as his wife. To watch him grow into the spiritual leader role of our family and the surrounding community has been so special. I’m so proud of him for the life he lived and how he chose to live it! He was such an incredible example on how to live out your faith! And I’m so thankful that we were able to witness both of our kids making that same decision on their own time table. And the gift our kids have of being baptized by their dad is SO special! Because Jas made that decision years ago, we know that he is forever healed and in heaven now. And to know that one day we will be able to see him again does help take some of the sting away.
With that, if you didn’t have a chance to come to Jason’s Celebration of Life or if you want to re-watch the service to help in your healing, I included the link below. Jas carefully planned out such a unique service before he passed and it includes a few videos from him directly along with some special slide shows. He was passionate about what he wanted to share and I would highly encourage you to carve out the time to watch/re-watch even if it's just to see some pics of him again! Note that the actual service starts about 16 minutes into the video.
Link to Jas' Celebration of Life: https://www.youtube.com/live/0DhjwhcU-D8?si=Dv8IohFUyCb5UrqV
Now for an update from last year. I’ll start with the really hard and then get to the really good. Forewarning, it’s gonna be a long one. And I promise I’m not offended if you choose not to read any further. Again, my primary focus of this is for my kids to have something to look back on years from now and to share with their kids some day, as the details become more and more fuzzy.
This past year has been such a volatile rollercoaster for each of us mentally and physically. Sadly, grief has been no stranger to me over the years after having lost Jas’ dad right before moving to D.C. and then my dad our first year in Thailand, along with a handful of dear friends in the cancer club no one wants to be part of. However, losing a husband after having been together for 27 years has been a whole other level of grief that I didn’t know was possible. Even after feeling like I had been actively grieving these past 15 yrs when the cancers first began, knowing it most likely would not be a full life that Jas would get to live. To go from high functioning/high performing in most areas of my life, to being knocked flat on my back for periods of time has been SUPER HUMBLING. And to learn that it’s often not something you can predict when the next round of shutting down will occur over the next couple years can be very unsettling. Especially when trying to focus on continuing to raise your kiddos solo the best you can. And then to watch your kids go through completely opposite grieving/coping styles, the aftermath of those styles/decisions and then try to figure out how best to support each of them has been EXTREMELY challenging and heartbreaking. We have been knocked down HARD to our core foundation, but are slowly rebuilding one stone at a time. We are each works in progress and have to continue to choose GRACE with each other daily!
With all of that, we have come a long way from last year this time, but have a long way to go in this grief journey that has no timeline or expiration date. That’s hard for me. I like to be in control and have a plan with timelines and end dates. I certainly did not take the news well when my grief counselor recently shared with me to expect year 2 to be different, but not better. To think that we have just reached the first year mark of the hardest year I have ever been through and yet to know that this next year most likely won’t feel "better" was a really hard pill to swallow. Thank goodness I have learned that at times like these when I don’t have the strength to even reach out to Jesus for help, I know I will be picked up and held by Him. But it is a conscious decision I have to make daily to trust that God has a good plan for my kids and I and our future even when a lot of it does NOT feel good right now. It really comes back to the core of Christianity. Giving up control of your life and handing the reins over to God completely, trusting Him to take the lead on the path forward even when the path forward seems so uncertain.
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This summer Ty and I traveled out to Colorado to visit my sister, brother-in-law and their family while Taylor was away at Young Life Camp. Our first full day in Colorado Springs, Ty and I did the Manitou Incline with my brother-in-law. For those who don’t know much about this hike, it’s a 1 mile trail over 2,000 vertical feet and 2,768 steps. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, but wanted to give it my best shot. It felt so good to have a challenging goal ahead with the hope of accomplishing it, when so much else around me didn’t feel like I was accomplishing much at all. After arriving there, I recognized that standing at the bottom and looking straight up at the end point felt overwhelming and I was uncertain if I would be able to make it to the top. However, based on what I learned this past year, I chose to put my head down and focus on the next right step ahead of me and not get caught up in how far away the end goal seemed to be at that moment in time. For those who have never done this hike before, know there is a “Got Ya” toward the end. You think you are at the top, but once you get to that plateau you realize you still have a little more ways to go. Gosh if this wasn’t the perfect summary of this past year! There were times where I felt like the kids or I were turning a big corner and then out of left field something else would get thrown at us that would knock us down, making it seem like there would not be an end in sight to all the hard. There were some days if I even thought about the next couple hours or even the following day, I would be knocked down flat. I have learned to recognize those moments, pivot to focusing on the here and now vs. the future and shift gears for the rest of the day to recover. Any future planning or looking ahead at different times last year could paralyze me for days. Almost everything about my future here on earth has now changed and looks drastically different. Jas was going to retire this upcoming March. We were considering moving somewhere warm after Taylor graduated, where Ty could finish out 8-12th grade. All of our future dreams and plans to do together, now gone. Being a team parenting our kids together, now gone. Therefore the only thing I can do is focus on the here and now, the next right step ahead of me. Not what my end goal is or my future plans. But how to get myself and the kids through one day at a time.
Through the thick of it all last year, we have done a lot of hard work to put our best foot forward in allowing ourselves to grieve well. I know that sounds weird, but also know how important it is to do the work needed to heal in as healthy of a way as possible. Part of this involved redefining my identity. Because I had been with Jas for 27 years, it was hard to identify who I was without him. So I went all the way back to the beginning, stripping everything else away. Back to who I was before I met Jas. The first thing that popped up was that I am a follower of Jesus, a child of God. That part of my identity and decision had nothing tied to Jason in it. I made that decision when I was 5 and lived it many years before I even met him. I started to work on identifying things that bring me joy and doing them. I started to work on expanding my circles to meet new people, which I have really enjoyed. And have spent a good chunk of time with our tribe, which has been such a safe space for me. I am so relational, so spending time with others brings me such joy! I have chosen to be outside in nature as much as possible, which has been so healing. I have really pushed myself to get my body moving daily in new ways that I hadn't been before. I was in a program called Grief Share, which is a program offered nationwide that I would highly recommend to anyone who has faced a loss of a loved one. We continued going to church consistently, as hard as it can be at times when you just want to hide and not have to deal with the hard of people looking at you with “sad eyes.” Our bible study continued, with another couple in our group stepping up to lead, which I’m so thankful for as we all needed last year together after having had Jas be our leader the prior 2 years. We have become such a close knit group! Hospice has been an incredible resource to me with having a counselor who specializes in grief and available to meet consistently. They are like angels on earth! I continued doing my daily “Sing” devotional, as there were days I couldn’t even concentrate on reading anything and music was the only way that I was going to feed truth into my soul. I’m so incredibly thankful for all of these resources that have been available to aid in my healing!
This takes me back to my last post where I shared that Ty had challenged me to “claim” a song for this past year and I couldn’t think of one at the time. Well, I can now share a song that I have clung to and listened to almost every single day this past year. It is called “Goodness of God.” There are so many different renditions of it, but this one has become my favorite. Below is the link if you want to listen to what has helped pour truth into my mind each and every day this past year when truth was hard to hear. It's a good reminder that God doesn't promise us easy lives or a pass from the hard, but He does promise to be with us through it all, every single step of the way. And that His goodness and faithfulness continue to pursue us. Song: https://youtu.be/CHG6Ak5Jqkc?si=KcDxFHDdOrydZT-w
As for the kids, Taylor has entered into her Senior year of High School and Ty 7th grade. Wow! Life is continuing to move forward regardless of whether we are ready for it to or not. I mentioned earlier, each kid is grieving so differently from the other and the timing of when things ramp up and what comes to the surface are so different also. I'm thankful that for each struggle they have each encountered, the support they have needed has been excellent and available, but man has it been an extremely hard journey for each of them.
Taylor is learning to balance a life that looks different than planned for her Senior year. She will not be playing volleyball this year and is choosing to work various jobs to fill in some free time. She has just started her clinicals via the nursing program at CTC this fall, should have her CNA by December and then will intern in the spring semester for half of her school day. And colleges have been applied to and some visits still need to happen to narrow down where she chooses to go next. It's crazy that we are to this point! She had a fun summer starting with her friends completing a "Summer Bucket List" and hanging it in our pool house to check things off as the summer progressed. Some other highlights for her this year were going to Florida over Spring Break, Young Life camp in upstate NY, Deep Creek, Ohio, rodeos and countless concerts. Here are a couple of pics from her adventures.
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Ty has also enjoyed the adventures that we took together to Florida, Ohio, Colonial Beach, Colorado and South Carolina and loved the time we had with the families we adventured with. He has found more and more healing via fishing this past year and learned to fly fish while out in Colorado, thanks to my Brother-in-Law and nephew. While he had a love for playing the guitar and would play for Jas daily when he got home from work, he has not been able to bring himself to picking it back up again since Jas passed. I pray over time he will start back up again, as music is so therapeutic for him also. Soccer has geared back up and he is really enjoying his new coach and new team. It should be a fun year! And with no major changes in school this year with being the middle of the pack at middle school, the kick off of school has gone smoothly so far. Here are a couple of pics from his adventures.
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Now for the REALLY GOOD STUFF!
How has God continued to show his faithfulness this past year?
For those that are newer to the blog and have missed the explanation of why the words EXCEEDINGLY, ABUNDANTLY MORE are so special to me, let me quickly explain. I can count on one hand the number of times in my life that the Lord has spoken to me in a crystal clear, knock your socks off kind of way that provides clarity or a forewarning of what is to come. This is one of those times. Six years ago, as they were wheeling Jas back to the OR for surgery to remove his stomach and esophagus, God spoke to my heart the words EXCEEDINGLY, ABUNDANTLY, MORE (from Ephesians 3:20-21). I didn’t understand it nor the meaning of it at the time, as it came completely out of the blue. We were going into this surgery with about a 50% chance he would come out of it ok, so this really didn’t make sense to me. How could anything at that point turn out to be exceedingly, abundantly more if we didn’t even know if he would survive this?
But what came next in the following days, months and years has been MINDBLOWING how God orchestrated so many things in so many beautiful ways that were just that, EXCEEDINGLY, ABUNDANTLY MORE that I could ever have imagined. I would encourage you to look back to the blog post on 2/26/2021 if you want to read more on it. You can find it at the right side of this page under Blog Archives. And let me tell you, God has faithfully continued to work in ways that are EXCEEDINGLY, ABUNDANTLY MORE than I could have imagined this past year. A continued reminder to me as I try to grasp for control to plan for the future, that God can’t be put in a box and HIS way is ALWAYS best and often is one that I didn’t even know was an option!
Some HIGHLIGHTS:
Rent - Our rent was covered for an ENTIRE year! WOW, WOW, WOW, THANK YOU JESUS! I’m still in absolute awe over this and the INCREDIBLE generosity of the anonymous person/family who did this for us! What a GIFT it has been to have that financial pressure lifted off my shoulders this year, which allowed me to prioritize the kids and I’s healing. And to be able to stay here on the farm, a place that has held us so well in our healing, while allowing us to feel more connected to Jas through it all has been such a BLESSING. It was his dream to live on a property like this our entire marriage. To be able to hunt and fish on the property was the icing on the cake for him. And it is such an escape from the hustle and bustle of it all living here. Each night when he got home from work you could physically see the stress roll off knowing he was home and so happy with having this place as a respite.
College - Our kids' college education will be covered 85% by Jas’ Work Memorial Foundation. Such a HUGE burden lifted knowing this for their future! And it got my daughter off my back of getting remarried quickly lol. Good gracious that girl!! More details about this on the prior blog post as well.
Car - Taylor totaled her car in the Spring, yet she did not get hurt. We will just start with a HUGE PRAISE on that front! After a painful month and a half of looking for a replacement (with 2 AMAZING men helping me), we were GIFTED a Mercedes. I still am in SHOCK putting this in writing because it’s just unbelievable! I have never owned a vehicle of luxury to this level nor ever considered it. The generosity of the family that blessed us with such an incredible replacement BLOWS ME AWAY! (If you ever want to hear the full story, please ask as it’s an AWESOME one.)
OPM Benefits - Our benefits with OPM were expedited and took much less time than predicted to get going. Here the Chief of HR @ OPM at the time, whose son played soccer with Ty, reached out and said she was going to do that for us without me even knowing it was an option. Such a HUGE GIFT!
Adventuring - We have been so BLESSED by so many families coming alongside us to help support a wish Jas had for the kids and I, which was to continue adventuring together. While I have grown to love adventuring, Jas was the main driver of all the logistics and planning for them which can be overwhelming for me. But God love our tribe! They stepped in and helped in all the ways that are not my strengths to ensure this wish became a reality for us this past year. While some offered to go with us wherever and whenever we wanted to go, others offered to host us from the time we arrived and carried us to the end of our time together, while others found out where we were going and joined in with us so I didn’t have to do any of it alone. Gosh was this such a Godsend! Especially knowing that quality time is my primary love language and most effective way to fill my tank. To get good quality time with those I care about during this season has been so important and healing. And as a result, the kids and I have been blessed with some really special adventures this past year! I see how important it has been for us to get away and have a reprieve from reality staring us in the face at home and how lifegiving it has been! SO THANKFUL!
Job - My part time job, that was eliminated shortly after Jas’ passing, was reinstated this spring. The big contract that had been delayed by the government shutdown finally came through about 6 months later. God’s divine timing for me, as I can’t imagine trying to work through those first 6 months with all of the legal/estate work, account closings/openings, etc. And to get to continue to work for one of Jas’ closest friends is the icing on the cake! It was such a smooth and gentle transition back!
Award Ceremony - This Spring, Jason’s work held an Award Ceremony for him, inviting us and our extended family to HQ to honor him and his career. It was SUCH A GIFT to us all with incredibly thoughtful touches throughout the whole day! And such an important part of our healing. Something the kids and I will forever remember!
Go Kart - Just recently a neighbor of ours showed up with a surprise for Ty that he has been OVER THE MOON about! He now has a go kart that he can ride all over the farm and learn how to work on it as things arise. He has become such a car guy this past year, so this is very exciting for him! And TOTALLY out of the blue and unexpected!
Concerts - Music is like balm to my soul. Upon more and more people learning this about me, I have been blessed with going to some pretty awesome concerts throughout this past year! Including getting to see Shane & Shane in person, the guys that lead the daily Sing devo that has been such a lifeline for me this past year. And I am looking forward to the line up this fall!
Overall Support - This is where I continue to be BLOWN AWAY by the tribe God has blessed us with! Seriously, we have gotten to experience how beautiful it is to see such a large number of people with unique giftings from around the world come together to pour out love on us. Kids, I hope you remember how important building relationships with others is throughout your life, as when times like these hit, they literally become the hands and feet of Jesus to step in to help carry you through. And that is exactly what our tribe has been to us!
Some examples range from our church stepping in and taking care of us through the entire Celebration of Life process, to the friends who willingly volunteered to take on all of the food, décor, slideshows, etc. during the ceremony for the Celebration of Life without me even asking, to the friends who provided meals for the extended family clan while they were in town so I could focus on soaking up my time with them while in person, to our Acupuncturist coming to our house often to lovingly help us through every step of this grieving process, to her husband who specializes in taxes taking such good care of us now that they have become much more complicated, to my friend who would not leave me alone until I agreed to start coming to her pilates studio and now love pilates, to my inner circle who blocked off their calendars to include me for every single mile marker and holiday so I would not be alone, to the friends who know how badly my body has physically locked up under the intense stress and gifted me with massages and other pamperings throughout the year, to the families who included the kids and I in their family plans/dinners/adventures sacrificing their own private family time, to those who came and helped clear out most of the garage and the gobs of tools that were no longer needed so it felt less overwhelming when looking at it, to those who helped me through the painful car shopping period, to the friend who helped me with selling Jason’s truck, boat, and Taylor’s car, to the friend who carves out time monthly to come over and go through my list of things that need fixed at the house, to our soccer and volleyball families who poured into the kids and I in so many incredibly helpful ways, to those who consistently checked in on the kids and I, to those who provided help with rides for the kids and inviting them over or on adventures to give me a breather, to those who blessed us with meals, surprise porch drop offs, gobs of chocolate (yes I need that for survival), gift cards, donations, flowers, prayers and so much more! Gosh the list could go on forever! We have felt SO LOVED through the hard! THANK YOU! From the bottom of our hearts! I truly don’t know how we would have gotten through this past year without each and every one of you!
In closing, one of the things that hit me the hardest this summer was when I was lovingly encouraged to tag on family pictures to Taylor’s senior picture session. My friend was doing us such a BIG favor with getting Taylor scheduled in quickly, knowing it’s such a big deal for girls. It made total sense and under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But can I tell you how painfully hard this was? It had been a couple years since our last family photo session as a family of 4. Jas was always diligent every couple years of asking me to get these sessions scheduled, which I know isn’t what you typically hear being initiated by a man. However, it was SUPER important to him that we capture as many family pics as we could, knowing what we potentially faced in our future. As a result, we have some really good family pics over the years which I’m SO THANKFUL for now. But man oh man, this was such a painful hurdle to get past for me and what it represented, no longer being a family of 4. I literally cried the ENTIRE WEEK leading up to the session. But…we did it! We crossed another BIG first off the list. Swollen/puffy eyed and absolutely exhausted from the emotional toll this took on me, with God’s help and the kindness of a friend, we did it!
These newest pictures below represent to me the beauty that can come from ashes. While looking at these pictures I can literally see the pain in my eyes from the toll this year has taken on me, but also see God’s strength shining through each of us. Gosh was it SUCH A HARD YEAR! Only by God’s grace have we been able to reach this big anniversary mile marker still standing, even if at times the only way we remained upright was because we were being held. Broken and fragile, yet held through the pain.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for your love and support you have showered on our family through all these years! And for being such a faithful tribe to us! Enjoy the pics below!
Much Love & God Bless,
Meg
